Playing Solitaire
by CallistoLexx
Summary: Edward's embarrassed, the Cullens tease, and Bella's naïve. Somewhat OOC.


_**DISCLAIMER:**_ I own absolutely nothing. _Twilight_ and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer and Little Brown. I am making no money off this story nor do I mean any harm. Please do not sue...I won't get anything.

**Author's Notes:** This story takes place in the summer between _Twilight_ and _New Moon_. It is comedic, OOC goodness that I hope amuses you as much as it has me and Bethaboo.

And speaking of Boo…you are the greatest. Thank you, again, for encouraging me to write and giving me another review I never expected. I'm not worthy.

**WARNING: **This story is rated PG-13 for sexual references and innuendo. Some of my reviewers have pointed out I forgot to warn you guys of that, so here I am warning you.

* * *

I turned off into the Cullen's long driveway, an excited smile plastered on my face. It felt good to be back in Forks, just feet away from Edward. I'd only been gone for a week, but it had felt like an entire lifetime.

A few weeks ago, Renee had called me, begging me to come for a visit this summer. I couldn't blame her for wanting me to visit, I'd been living in Forks for six months now and the last time she'd seen me, I'd been laid up in a hospital in Phoenix after "falling from a window." She wanted to be assured that I was alright as well as wanting to spend some time with me before the school year started all over again.

I'd wanted Edward to come along, but it wasn't really feasible. Neither Renee nor Charlie would allow me traveling alone with my boyfriend, even though there weren't many shenanigans we could get into between chaperones and huge crowds of people. It would also be selfish of me to make him spend all day, every day inside during Florida's sunny, muggy days. As much as I loved him and wanted him with me, it would be easier for him if he stayed here with his family. That didn't stop us from calling each other every morning and night (and a few times in between, if I was being completely honest).

But now I was back and, after spending the morning with Charlie, who had postponed going fishing in order to pick me up and spend time with me, I was making my way to see the center of my universe. As I pulled to a stop in front of the white house in the meadow, I felt as though I was finally home.

I was surprised that Edward wasn't waiting on the porch to greet me—I'm sure they could hear my truck's engine from miles away—as he always was whenever I came over. I'd wanted to surprise him—though he knew I'd be returning today—though I never expected that I'd be able to do it. It was hard to surprise someone when they lived with a psychic who could predict the future. And when the one doing the surprising arrived in a truck that could be heard three towns over.

Maybe he was out hunting?

I got out of the truck and rushed to the front door, only tripping twice, able to catch myself from falling both times. I let myself in, as I've been told to do, and easily spotted the majority of the Cullen family. Only Carlisle, Esme, and Edward were missing.

"Welcome back, Bella!" Alice chirped brightly from the couch, her tiny body practically vibrating with energy. It looked like Jasper, relaxing beside her, was doing all he could to keep her calm. I don't think it was working all that well. "How was Florida?"

"Hi, guys," I greeted with a small wave as I moved closer to them. Emmett was sitting on the white loveseat that matched the couch, Rosalie by his side. She still didn't like me, but has been able to tolerate my presence on all my previous visits. "It was…humid. I'm glad to be home." And Forks had become home, though I'd never thought it would.

"Is Edward out hunting?" I questioned, taking a seat on the couch beside Alice, who immediately wrapped her thin arms around me in a welcoming hug. During one of our numerous phone calls, Edward had mentioned that she'd missed me.

"No. He's upstairs, taking care of business," Emmett replied with a smile saturated with amusement. My eyebrows furrowed; there was a hidden meaning in what he said, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

"Oh, alright." I sounded as confused as I felt. "Do you think I should go up and tell him I'm here?"

They all burst out laughing, from Emmett's booming guffaw to Alice's delicate snickers. I think Rosalie may have even snorted.

"I'm sure that would be a real help," Jasper said softly through his laughs, starting the wave all over anew. Again I felt there was a hidden meaning I couldn't decipher.

I felt my cheeks warm in a blush, figuring he was being a bit sarcastic. If Edward was busy working on something, it would be best if I not get underfoot. I knew that logically, but it was difficult to stay seated. I'd missed him so much, but I'm sure he'd be down as soon as he could. I nodded my head in understanding and remained looking down at my shoes.

Even for vampires, these guys could sometimes be extremely strange.

"So…what have you guys been up to lately?" I asked, doing my best to ignore their mood.

"Us, not much. But Edward's been up to quite a bit," Rosalie answered, a knowing smirk on her lips. She didn't look threatening, but she still scared the crap out of me.

"Oh, really?" My voice was soft as I looked around at them all. "Like what?"

"Playing solitaire," Alice responded with a small smile.

"Doing his homework," Jasper immediately added. I looked at him in confusion. It was summer, we didn't have any homework.

"Distributing free literature," Rose continued the list.

"Walking the dog," Emmett said.

They got a dog? Didn't that seem like tempting their appetites? I opened myself to question when I caught movement out of the corner of my eye, immediately standing up and running into Edward's open arms. "Edward! I've missed you!"

I relaxed into his arms. No, this was what coming home felt like. "It's so good to see you, Bella. I've missed you, too," he murmured softly into my ear. I lifted my head and pressed my lips to his cool ones. I'd dreamt about his kisses so many times while I was away. None of my dreams or memories lived up to the reality.

He tucked me into his side as he moved to sit in one of the white, overstuffed chairs, situating me on his lap. I noticed he was giving his siblings death glares; I had definitely missed something while I was gone. "So…you guys got a dog?" I questioned, grasping for something to say to break the tension. "What did you name him?"

The laughing broke out again, though it sounded like they were trying harder to suppress it. And it was confirmed. Rosalie's a snort-laugher. I thought I heard either Emmett or Jasper say something that sounded like "Little Eddie," but I couldn't be certain. I looked up at Edward's face; his expression was wavering between anger at his siblings and something that almost looked like embarrassment, depending on who he was looking at.

"Uh, no. We didn't get a dog," he finally answered. I wanted to question further, but I could clearly recognize his "This conversation is over" voice. He wouldn't be saying anything more. Besides, I could tell that if I were to press, he'd probably get up and hurt his siblings. I didn't want that.

I was back to feeling confused and uncertain. So why had Emmett brought up a dog? Oh! It must have been someone else's dog. "Are you volunteering with the Humane Society?" I questioned. I noticed that they were all looking at me a little confused.

But none were as confused as Edward. "No, I haven't. Why do you ask?"

My face had to be as red as a tomato right now. "Well, Emmett said that you were upstairs taking care of business. Then Jasper mentioned that over the past week you were doing homework and Rose brought up that you were passing out free literature. Then Emmett mentioned the dog and I just thought…" I trailed off as the laughter renewed and I buried my face in Edward's shoulder. I wished I could go back and start this day all over again.

Edward said something very quickly, I couldn't grasp what he said, though judging from his expression it was something chastising his family. I hated causing strife in his life. I decided to let the subject drop; I wasn't going to get any answers and I wasn't sure I wanted them anyway. I was probably better off not knowing.

"Why don't we pop in a movie?" Alice suggested, her voice sounding as though she hadn't been laughing her head off just moments ago. Edward and I both agreed quickly; it would help smooth things over. I didn't even pay attention to what they'd decided on and instead concentrated on being in Edward's arms once again.

"Hey, Bella," Emmett said, his loud voice easily conveying itself across the room. I turned to look at him and felt Edward stiffen beneath me. "While you were gone, Edward was off making a deposit and made the bald man cry."

I stared at him silently for a moment. That made no sense. My eyes flicked to Rose as she added, "He made him feel better by rubbing Buddha's belly."

"Okay," I said slowly in reply. Could vampires lose their minds? 'Cause I think there were two right here just begging for matching straightjackets. I turned my attention back to Edward and twined my fingers with his. He was still tense and I ran my thumb over the side of his hand, trying to soothe his temper.

"I think that Edward would make a great kids show host," Alice piped up after a few minutes. "We could name it Mr. Happy's Fun Time. He could teach the Cyclops the Lambada."

There went the laughter again, and back came the confusion. "Edward is an excellent dancer," I agreed with a sigh. I think I was getting used to not knowing just what in the world was going on.

"Hey, Bella," Rosalie said after composing herself. "You should have Edward teach you the Tango Con Mano."

There was proof she still hated me. "I'd probably end up killing myself if he were to try." They laughed harder than ever at that and I felt a little offended. "I'm sorry I can't be as graceful as you all. I can't help being so clumsy."

"It's alright, Bella," Edward soothed. "They aren't laughing at you. They just think they're being funny. But they're not." He said it with such sincerity I knew he had to be telling the truth. I nodded my head, indicating to him that I believed him.

"So what have you really been doing while I was away?" I tried to ask it quietly enough so that the others couldn't hear. Curse that vampire hearing!

"He was wrestling with his emotions."

"Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile."

"Hosing down the driveway."

"Discovering his own potential."

"In the shower working up a foamy lather."

"Manually increasing the surface temperature of the ship's primary cannon by repeated linear manipulation!"

The voices came out of each of his siblings, one after another, eventually degenerating into another bout of laughter. I could feel the beginnings of a growl vibrating in Edward's chest. I placed my hands on his face, rubbing my thumbs over his cheekbones and making soothing noises. I could hear them all softly congratulating Jasper on the last one.

And I still had no idea just what they were talking about, only that it was upsetting Edward. I looked into his beautiful amber eyes and saw anger warring with embarrassment. Why was he embarrassed? I'd have to ask him later. It was obvious that something had happened while I was gone and they were teasing him mercilessly about it.

"Why don't you guys just leave him alone!?" I burst out in frustration, my voice much louder than I'd ever used in this house. They all looked at me in surprise, stopping mid-laughter. "Haven't you teased him enough? I swear, it's more than any person can take and not completely lose their temper."

"I'm sorry," they all chorused, expressions contrite. They all turned back to the movie in silence.

Edward looked at me tenderly and pulled my lips to his. "Thank you," he breathed in my ear.

"Anytime." I rested my head on his shoulder for a moment. "Why are they picking on you, anyway?" I whispered in his ear.

He cleared his throat softly and shifted uncomfortably in the chair. I would swear he'd be blushing if he could. "They're just being siblings," he hedged, blatantly refusing to answer the question. Again I knew I'd have to settle for an answer.

The movie—of which I hadn't seen a single second—ended and the credits rolled along the screen before anyone said anything else.

"Seriously though, Bella. He thought about you a lot while you were gone," Alice said sweetly. "Of the home you two will someday share. I'm sure he was even painting a white picket fence."

He tensed again.

"And he was building upper-body strength." I would have expected that to come from Emmett, not Jasper. The large, brunette vampire looked to be more into body-building than either Jasper or Edward.

"I think the upper-body strength he has now is perfect," I sniffed, realizing that they were back to teasing. Why was I even bothering trying to keep Edward calm? They weren't going to be happy until he blew up. His siblings snickered.

"And doing the Han Solo," Rose added.

"Is that like a _Star Wars_-themed dance?" I questioned. The laughter gained volume yet again. That's it…they were all asking to be shipped off to the funny farm.

They calmed down and popped in another movie. We were all silent for another half-hour before Emmett's voice sounded.

"Something _did_ happen while you were away," he said seriously, his eyes still on the television. "He was caught playing with his instrument."

More muffled snickers.

I didn't get it. "I've seen him doing that myself."

"WHAT!?"

I flinched at the raised voices, all four of Edward's siblings speaking in shocked unison. Even Edward was looking at me with surprise. I wondered if they all lost bits of their memory while I was gone.

"Yes…I've watched Edward while he's played his piano many times," I said patronizingly, well aware I sounded as though I was speaking to child. "He's even written me a lullaby."

Edward relaxed beneath me and the others tittered softly. They had obviously thought I was speaking about something else. But what?

"He's been talking about picking up a new instrument," Jasper mentioned a few minutes later. "He's expressed interest in playing the single-string air guitar and also in riffing on the bendy Fender."

I sighed loudly. And they were back to simultaneously picking on Edward and making no sense. And frustrating me to no end.

That was the straw that broke the camels back for Edward. He lifted me gently off his lap and stood up, placing me back in the chair. Alone. He glared at his siblings, venom in his eyes, hands clenched into tight fist. "That's enough! You guys are done with this little game. I'm putting my foot down!"

"Again?" Rose snickered.

"Haven't you already had enough of that over the past week?"

I looked up at Edward. The only expression in his eyes now was embarrassment. "Edward? What are they talking about?" My voice was pleading; I needed to understand what was going on. I was more confused than I've ever been in my life.

He looked at me, his expression torn. I could see he wanted to tell me what was going on, but was too embarrassed to do so.

"While you've been gone, he's been smiting the pink knight," Alice explained, though it didn't explain anything to me. I looked at her blankly.

"Wow…you really aren't understanding any of this, are you?" Rose asked in awe. "I thought you'd caught on a while ago."

"Well I obviously didn't. What's going on?" I saw Edward fall to his knees beside my chair and drop his face into his hands and I felt bad for asking. This was obviously embarrassing him deeply. I felt like the worst girlfriend in the world.

"He's been thinking of you," Emmett supplied, not a single trace of embarrassment or remorse for forcing that emotion on his brother. "He's been thinking of you and squeezing the happy lumberjack, shaking hands with Dr. Winky, combing the hair on his bald pig Sally, hoisting his own petard, helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college, patting the Robertson, unleashing the alabaster yak…" He trailed off at my blank look.

"Bella, listen to me," Jasper said, looking into my eyes. "Are you understanding any of this? Lubricating the love monkey? Spanking the monkey? Spanking the rooster?"

"Spanking a rooster? And a monkey?" This was all going over my head. They were no longer finding this funny, it seemed, and they all groaned at my inability to grasp what they truly meant. "What does a chicken have to do with anything?"

"Work with us Bella," Rose said to me in the kindest voice I've ever heard from her when I was anywhere near. "What is another word for rooster?"

I wracked my brain, coming up with nothing. "Chicken?"

"No…"

"Uh…capon?"

"No."

"I'm sorry, I don't know."

"For the love of—" Alice burst out in frustration. "Cock, Bella! Spanking the Cock! Spanking the Big Red COCK!!"

We all looked at the tiny pixie in mute surprise. I don't think I've ever seen her loose her cool quite that bad. It didn't look like any of the others had, either. Even Edward had raised his head in shock, the embarrassment momentarily forgotten.

Emmett cleared his throat. "Right…thank you, Alice. Bella, are you getting it now?"

I looked at him, forcing my brain to remember what we'd been talking about before Alice's outburst. "Spanking animals?"

He heaved a heavy sigh and shook his head in a 'where did we go wrong?' manner. I obviously wasn't catching on to what they wanted me to. I tried to remember everything they'd said. Shaking hands with Dr. Winky. Spanking the monkey. That did sound familiar, but I don't know where from. Spanking the rooster. No, spanking the…

My eyes widened as I glanced at Edward before looking at his siblings, all of whom were kneeling in front of us as they tried to get through to me.

"By Jove, I think she's got it," Rosalie breathed, causing Edward to groan. I reached a hand out and rubbed it over his back.

Alice, who was by now back under control, nodded her head. "That's right, Bella. We caught Edward masturbating."

Edward's groan was louder now. I vaguely heard "I wish I was dead."

"Edward, it's alright. It's perfectly natural," I stammered, trying my best to soothe him. "I find it quite flattering, actually."

He raised his head and looked at me. "You do? You aren't appalled?"

I shook my head. "Not at all." I was a little turned on, actually. "As I said, it's perfectly natural. I…I do it myself," I admitted, my cheeks blazing hotter than I'd ever felt them.

"You do?" he questioned, his voice sounding choked.

His siblings were all staring at me in an uncomfortable manner and I looked down at my feet again. "Yes, I do."

Edward grasped the back of my neck and met my lips with his own in the most passionate kiss we've ever shared. "Excuse me," he whispered against my lips. I blinked then he was gone.

"Come on, Edward! Give Little Eddie a break!" Jasper yelled out. "You keep delivering the Ejaculation Proclamation as much as you have been and you'll end up with Carnal Tunnel Syndrome!"

I looked at them in surprise. "You mean…he's…right now?"

They all nodded their heads in response.

Emmett smirked. "He probably wouldn't mind if you went up and helped him out a bit." I looked at him in mortification. "Maybe you could sample the special sauce."

I put my head in my hands with a groan.


End file.
